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First I'll begin with listing some facts about my life I didn't feel appropriate for the "about me" page:
I am the oldest of 3 kids, Joe is almost 17 and Jamie is 6 1/2. My parents divorced in 1989. They get along better now, but its still rough to be in the middle. However, it gives me 2 houses and 2 of every holiday. My sister is only my half sister. Her father is (and has been for 10 years) one of the biggest pains in my ass. My Grandfather, who was like a Daddy to me and a true inspiration, passed away in July of 1998 and life hasn't been the same since. He was the mortar holding our family together. My house burned in January of 1999 and we (me, mom, and siblings) had to live in a hotel for 4 months. I had to leave college after one year and was supposed to go back but for financial, mental, and family reasons, that has been quite delayed. I'm working on getting a new job to pay for massage therapy school. After work I slip into role of mommy for a few hours a night and most of the weekend. Mom works nights and someone has to watch over my siblings. I love them a lot, and they usually are good for me, but its rough. I've pretty much raised Jamie since she was a baby, so I'm used to it. Mom just got married in November to a nice guy and we have a better home now. Thats about it. :-)
My Depression: I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 5 years ago. I have been on several medications, sometimes more than one at a time, since then. About 6 months ago I was finally diagnosed as Bipolar. Its rough, and letting people know is even rougher. A lot of people (maybe even you) think its all made up and I am enjoying the medications. Wrong. I hate it, I hate taking meds, and I hate ignorance. Being bipolar is no picnic. The mood swings are rough on not only me, but everyone around me as well. When the bipolarism is mixed with my ADD (attention defecit disorder) and OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) it makes for one messed up girl and finding a special someone to love me regardless is really hard too. But considering that, I think I have done well in coping. Lately it's been really rough. I got a new Psychiatrist (the Dr.) and Psychologist (the counselor) back in March and hopefully they, along with the 2 new meds, will work together and get me back on track. I do everything in my power during the really rough depression episodes to keep myself out of the hospital. Yes, the mental hospital. I was there once 4 years ago and I hated it. Did you see the movie "Girl, Interrupted"? Well, it was like that. Mostly. It was the worst and best thing that ever happened up to that point in my life (this was October of 1997). Hardcore truth: I lied so they would let me out. I lied to get them to change my meds. I lied so I wouldn't get killed by my roomate who was 13 and pregnant by her cousin (she thought) through a gang (a real gang, not just a group of people) rape initiated by her father and brothers who ran that gang. Unfortunately, I had to go back again recently. I was there for 4 1/2 days this time as an inpatient and a week and a half as a day patient. I was in intense group therapy, and because it was my choice to go there and to get help, i got a lot out of it this time. Also, it wasnt as scary and becuase i'm no longer a minor, I had more freedom. Having been in a place like that gives me the strength to keep moving forward, even when all I want to do is sleep and drift off into my own galaxy. I'll probably add more to this part eventually, but until then check out the following link for info on Depression and other mental disorders:
HealingWell.com: Depression Resource Center Natl. Depressive and Manic-depressive Assn. The Bipolar Planet Manic's Dance
If you have bipolarism, or want to know more about it, I highly suggest you read "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison. It's an autobiography and is so truthful that at times its painful. Take this following passage for instance (which describes everything inside me):
"There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you are high its tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are finally there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria evade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now moving against - you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.
It goes on and on and finally there are only others' recollections of your behavior - your bizarre, frentic, aimless behaviors - for mania has at least some grace in partially obliterating memories. What then, after the medications, psychiatrist, despair, depression, and overdose? All those incredible feelings to sort through. Who is being too polite to say what? Who knows what? What did I do? Why? And most hauntingly, when will it happen again? Then too are the bitter reminders - medicine to take, resent, forget, take, resent, and forget, but always to take. Credit cards revoked, bounced checks to cover, explanations due at work, apologies to make, intermittent memories (what did I do?), friendships gone or drained, a ruined marriage. And always, when will it happen again? Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me's is me? The wild, impulsive, chaotic, energetic, and crazy one? Or the shy, withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, doomed, and tired one? Probably a bit of both, hopefully much that is neither."
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